‘Lockdown in Lockwood’ Part 2 – April 2020

lockdown in lockwood pt2

By Rose Brookes, Expert Citizen

 

14th April

Sitting here I am sure I’m missing a zoom meeting. I’ve sort of lost track now of what I’m involved in, what I should be doing. See going to federation house every weekday I had people to remind me of important appointments and to keep me up to speed with the uni stuff I’m doing, mainly because they were there to help me. I now have my new phone up and running, I have every chat app available zoom, skype and finally WHATSAPP!! At least people will stop asking me now and I can talk to my dad who is still in isolation in Malaysia. The current situation over there is, everything is still shut. They have opened up part of the area to be able do your shopping and stuff without getting arrested. It’s been great being back in touch, we have managed to talk about my Mum, about how she died. It’s such a shame for him he had to deal with it all on his own, it wasn’t quick she was poorly for weeks, he brought in private doctors, even paid for a private hospital for her to try get her well but her remaining kidney had taken too much through e-coli. Rest in peace Mum.

Here at home all is good, just done the washing now got me boil wash on so taking five just to write this. Got to tell you this, I phoned my support worker to let her know about my change of number and she said “ I’ve seen your blog and its great” but I heard “I’ve seen your bog and it great” well that had her in stiches so I replied “ if you have been reading my bog them things inside ain’t tea leaves” well that was it then complete up roar. I suppose you had to be there!

Anyway, back to the millstone, work to be done. Rose x

 

16th April

An old friend turned up today. She’s not well. She’s gone now, I hope she’s safe. It really upsets me when I come across someone from my past. To see people still trying to present themselves neat and tidy, still raising their head high because they know they’ve worked their butt of all their lives, got made redundant and couldn’t pay the rent. There is a story behind each individual person.

Today my mental health could have defaulted back to its poorly self. Things that were going on around me today, especially with my unexpected visitor acting strangely. At that point my head started to think, “not again, I’ve been away from this for so long.”

I’ve done my back in moving furniture round the living room, so we can get a big rug for in front of the fire, and to be able eat at the table. The myth of the dishes running off because they have grown legs (they’ve been there that long in the bedroom) is over.

Rose x

 

21st April

Well today it’s lovely outside, there’s just enough breeze for the amount of sun we’ve got. I’ve managed to get a few bits from the shop, decided I need a way bigger shop to last me this time. When I go out I don’t think, oh ham butty, bread butter ham salt pepper lettuce little bit mustard and tomato. I always run out of basics, obvious stuff. I will admit I need a food voucher, so I have asked my worker but got no reply. I will obviously keep you informed how I get on with that.

Oh by the way YEY, UNIT 7 DONE 80%. GET IN

I’ve just finished reading my book. I am quite imaginative, of what the characters look like, and for this trilogy I’ve actually drawn the main characters how I see them – a little bit of a way to release your tension, draw, keep a diary of it all. When this is all over, looking back you will be amazed. Nothing will be as it was again. This is a kick we need to sort stuff out. I think by time we are done we will be more friendly, both to each other and the planet. Its ace if you love nature. Well chunky beef pasta for tea its fridge raiding week lol.

Sub note I should be having a delivery tomorrow (food parcel) so all will be well. It’s all because of the good people out there. Rose x

 

22nd April

OMG, I didn’t just pass unit 7 yesterday with a great score, I also completed unit 8 with, wait for it…. 92.7%. I got one part of a question wrong which devaluates it more the bigger the question and answer. Talking of work, school have dropped off Smerty’s work for the month. Now it’s been mentioned a lot how it is easier for him to read if the writing is bigger and double spaced, so they’ve sent the printout on A3 paper, they are huge. Luckily, we have a good sense of humour. Well I’m going to miss another lovely day outside, but I don’t have a lot of time left to finish my English, I’ve missed where assignment B is located, so must get on 😊

My food parcel has just arrived. Now I know they mean well delivering food to those who are struggling, but it’s sad when they get it totally wrong. Mine was ordered to last 1 week for 2 people one of which is diabetic, so they sent me 3 easter eggs, custard creams, a box of Turkish delights and Choco pops. I mean come on how wrong can you get it lol. I can’t complain though, there was a tin of peaches to go with the rice pudding, peas, sweetcorn, tuna, pasta and a pasta sauce. Deciding what to do for tea is getting hard, for the next week its going be a right struggle. The chocolate eggs are already gone – Smerty had them off right away with the comment “It’s for your own good, you can’t have chocolate, think about your bloods.” He is right of course, but that’s not the point. Rose x

 

25th April

Been to Morrisons today to get some bits, finally had a decent fag. I’ve handed in my first paper, I know it going come back needing resubmitting but I did that so I have a better idea of what they are looking for. So I have time to waste as they say, I don’t want wasted time though, so much life past through wasted years. You know once my doctor said to me that with all my problem’s I’d be dead by 40, luckily my Mum was with me at the time. Now people say I will last longer because I’ve stopped using drugs, so I’m like yea, you’re right. I wasn’t bothered at first, I had nothing to be responsible for, the kids were gone. I now look at it differently, it’s not a countdown to when I die, it’s the years I have left to love my children, as much I have in my heart and its ready to burst. I recently turned 36 and am building a safety zone for both my children. I won’t leave them just with bad thoughts of me. What I do during these years is for them so they don’t feel disappointment. Between us our legacy will go on – Their children will have the same amount of love I had, what I’ve tried my best to give to them. I don’t usually reflect on what I was told but now I do because these years that I have will be used to teach them everything I know. I thought I’d spend the years getting totally off my head, I was happy high but that’s not the answer. There is no higher drug than knowing my kids are healthy and they’ve forgiven me. I will die happy (when it does happen) knowing my kids don’t hate me. Them saying, “Mum I love you” is the best rush on this planet.

If you are where I was 2 years ago, I felt I didn’t care, they brought me back and I wish this feeling on anybody. You as a person can do it, people will say it’s not hard, that’s rubbish, it feels impossible, but if you want it you can do it.

I thought when I had my kids it was the best days of my life. I was wrong, the best part was being forgiven and being given a chance to make things right.

I’ve used these lockdown days to reflect in my own chaotic way, and what doesn’t break me only makes me stronger. Rose x

 

27th April

It’s a new week and I’m 2 days away from pay day. Now once I’d be over the moon because it would be just 48 hours till I would be scoring and filling my lungs with dust or crack, now I can’t wait because it’s now 48 hours till I stock up my cupboards. Lol. oh and inherit a snake called Pablo. I could go into make and model but I can’t spell it, other than its a corn snake. It’s also 1 week closer to my kitten being ready to leave its mum, actually I think it’s this week. Oh I hope so, me and Smerty just have to much love between us, it needs to be shared Charlie has Hariot, which is more than enough for him, proper handful x.

I’ve had a good weekend really, Saturday had a few drinks with the strip as I call it (neighbours on the same balcony), Smerty Berty was in his element few doors down had bought a car, being a teenage lad he was all over it, head under the bonnet and all that. It’s really nice to see him changing from the coiled up spring he’s spent so many years being. If only I had spent as much time being there for my kids as I was for abusing my body. The thing that people don’t like is when I say it’s one of the things I probably wouldn’t change, if I was asked, because there have been a lot of good memories to go along with all the bad, it’s the sort of life experience you can’t learn in a classroom or online. I wouldn’t do it ALL again, hell no. I’ve got the t-shirt, I don’t need the matching shorts.

I might have already said this, but all 10 units passed in my TEFL (teaching English as foreign language) AND my first assignment has been emailed in for marking. I don’t expect to pass first time, I’m using this as a guide so I can use the feedback to better understand, I know I can do better, just need to know how! This way it’s like being in the classroom putting your hand up and asking the teacher what they think. Instructions for the next module are in the post thanks again to the lovely Rachael who has been able to print them for me. I can’t fathom reading it all online and completing it that way, I need to be able see it in front of me, that’s the only reason I have been able do it because I spread it out over my dining table so I can see it all and pick out what’s needed. My results will not be back for another couple of days and I have no meetings all day but what I do have is a pile of dishes so that will be keeping me good today. I have to start planning though what to be doing once this course I’m doing has finished – I have about 2 months left. The next thing I do I think will be less full on, a distance learning course like the ones I did last year.  Rose x

 

29th April

It’s another lovely wet British day, we’re not famous for the queen or big ben, it’s all about the weather – people fly for miles to endure a miserable wet day.

Well its t-minus something or another ( 2 hours) till the new member of the family gets here my little Kow, that’s what I’m calling the little furball, just got a reflective grey/silver collar with stars on and 2 food bowls oh and a 11pk of noisy little toys for £1.49. What a deal.

Today I tried to ring my dad to see how he is but with the time difference it was bedtime for him. So I sent a text told him all about our Phil being on the news which got me telling him about the radio interview we did, and the amateur dramatics we’ve been involved with.

Oh, news of the day besides the kitten (and Pablo the corn snake) I got a new shinny toaster today with not 2 but 3 bread holes (was going to say toast holes).

Charlie been round today, on his own Hariott wasn’t feeling too good today so I sent some stew and cake home. It was nice to see him on his own just me him and his bro Bro.

I can’t believe how much this family had fallen apart, all my fault. Getting Smerty and Charlie to do something together is like introducing cat to a dog, they like each other “sup””sup mate” “chillin you?”” init bro”. Sounds stupid but I want them to be like when they were kids together. It’s there. I have one child who is so lovey dovey, loves being showed emotions, whereas the other craves it so much but won’t show how he feels about anything. It makes me think how hard the transition is for people to get back to feeling like they belong in society. We take for granted what we have, people who are leaving prison, they’ve done their time are coming out to isolation, still being told where and when they can go places. It’s damn hard.

p.s the toaster actually has 4 holes not 3 lol what an odd toaster that would be. Rose x

 

30th April

Now this kitten has had more names in the past 24 hours than there are words in a dictionary, none of them fitted. For example, Munch, Lotus, Harley, Hugo boss (bossman), Minstrel cow with a k so its kow with Katitude, Vespa, Ninja, Herby, Picasso,  Julily, even pussy galore but none of them seemed to fit. Then it hit me, I’m proud to announce the newest family member is “LOCKWOOD” and he loves it, he practically chose it himself. Smerty insisted when I had him he was MY pet so any mess feeding etc was up to me. He’s slept with him hugged up to him all night, not a peep out of either of them.

Still waiting for feedback from my assignment. Rose x